The Gossip Around Garden VI

[wr_gossip]

Greetings Balamb Garden,

It seems that our lovely school has made a severe splash! And what better way to dish out the goods with a prized column from yours truly! Let the games truly begin!



If you don't know about a recent marriage that occurred here, then you're sleeping under a rock! But what's this?! Is Instructor Snow Villers chatting with the bride to be? Or is she an evil twin sister out to ruin Grell's life?! Either way, both redheads have a keen eye for hunks! Side note: Snow is unattached!!

And finally Espio is wearing pants! But how long will that streaker keep them on?!

Moving on to the Holi events, there is a plethora of juicy details! Is Kate Bishop really hitting on Instructor Shadow?! With that slingshot of hers, she's certainly allowed to aim high! Shadow may as well take on the opportunity, since Claire Farron is having secret rendezvous with Cid Raines! What a sordid web!

An odd pairing of a pastel pony named Rainbow Dash (that's really her name!) and a vertically challenged cadet of Edward Elric seems to have cropped up. The only thing they have in common is their propensity for stubbornness! But anything can happen here, all thanks to Time Compression! We're all rooting for you both! Edward better keep his eye on the skies, and not on Instructor Pinkie Pie! Instructor Champloo will easily stir-fry that little rump to perfection!

And when will Gakupo make the moves on the head of the Garden Festival Committee?! Mikuru is ripe for the taking and eager for all the things he encompasses! He'd better hurry before Instructor Snow gets involved with yet another underaged girl!

Let's all take a few steps back and observe that hot and sticky night of that bonfire that lit a fire in the pits of our bellies! Our lovely resident Queen of Hair, Rapunzel, was roasting marshmallows with Cissie King-Jones! The sticky goo of their treat is just a symbolization of what was in store later on that evening! Would Eugene mind a threesome?!

Instructor Tom strummed up a few chords with Gakupo, and they seem to make a wonderful melody! Will the screech of Instructor Sharpay Evans throw them off key?! Someone get her a tuning fork!

In our next issue, we'll try to cover those very fond couples, and some new ones! Such as the game of hard to get between Rose Lalonde and Kanaya Maryam. Love's better when one has to earn it!


Until next time, Garden!

Miss Tattler

Comments

[sylphoftealdeer]

[God damned heroines of Light. >:c]

Rose Please
This Is Very Unnecessary

[thorny]

[excuse you she is heeding the call of the troll here, ok. it's incredibly vital.]

I have no idea what you could possibly mean, Kanaya. I'm simply respecting another girl's steadfast if naive beliefs.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[Nope she won't accept it. Things are Complicated without you adding fuel to the fire, Rose, c'mon.]

I Would Believe You If Only It Wasnt Obvious Enough That You Are Trying To Troll A Troll
Are You Really Aiming To Achieve Such Bizarre Levels Of Irony

[thorny]

[CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP she's like three antagonism points away from saying that she's in a threesome with Kanaya and David ok]

I do believe that you're confusing my usual modus operendi with my dear absent brother. I understand that with our shared genetic traits it becomes near impossible to tell us apart but I can assure you that the pursuit of ironic nirvana is far from placing on my agenda.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[AHA, SO YOU DO WANT SOMETHING WITH YOUR AU BROTHER. You silly humans with your silly notions of incest, what's up with that, seriously! The sooner you admit you wanna get into his pants, the better.]

Oh I See
Have You Been Pursuing Other Interests Then
Possibly With Individuals Who Just So Happen To Resemble You Genetically

[Guess who peeked at the thread between Rose and the gossiper?]

[thorny]

[WOULD EVERYONE STOP BRINGING THAT UP THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON THERE CHRIST]

Considering the fact that incest is greatly frowned upon by my species I'm afraid that you're casting about in the wrong direction. The only reason such an ugly rumor persists is that this periodical seems to have latched onto the idea and continues to spew it at every available moment.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT those sure are a lot of words just to say "I think David is pretty hot".]

I Fail To See Why Your Species Would Find Such A Concept Repulsive
Are You Really Going To Dismiss A Potentially Good Human Matesprit Or Kismesis Just Because Of That Pesky Little Detail

[thorny]

[FGJHTKJD WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN TO WHAT SHE IS SAYING]

Yes, along with the fact that were I to consider those closely related to me (which I'll remind you once again that I am not) I'd be forced to discount the genetic twin in question because of severe personality defects.

I can't begin to fathom why everyone on this campus seems hellbent on making this hypothetical match a reality, but I can firmly and sincerely state that it's not going to occur. He's simply too stunted for any satisfactory relationship beyond casual verbal sparring partner.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[She's listening, all right. She's listening and she understands everything.

Everything.]

Oh Dear Is That Unrequited Affection I Am Finding Behind Your Aesthetically Pleasing Purple Façade
Im Sorry Rose I Wouldnt Have Inquired You About Such A Delicate Matter If I Had Known Your Feelings Werent Reciprocated

[She's only half-trolling now. Unrequited feelings are Serious Business, okay. She knows about these things. :c]

[thorny]

[oh my god please stop Kanaya. Kanaya please go.]

There's nothing to reciprocate. I'm beginning to suspect that carrying out this conversation on this torrid gossip column's post has infected you with their delusional matchmaking views.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[Nope not stopping and most definitely not going away, sorry about that!]

Or Perhaps Being Friends With Karkat Has Opened My Ocular Globes To The Many Nuances Of Romance

[No, it was actually her shitty rainbow drinker trollequin novel collection.]

[thorny]

[sob sob sob why don't anyone let her drown her traitorous feelings in peace]

If you're taking romantic cues from Karkat then I suppose that being wildly off base is an experience you'll be encountering repeatedly in your endeavors.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[Because they shouldn't be drowned, they should be cared for and nurtured! :c]

By Human Standards Perhaps But Karkat Happens To Very Knowledgeable On The Matter Of Troll Romance

Nevertheless
I Believe You Should Open Your Thinkpan To New Possibilities
It May End Up Being Very Satisfactory

[thorny]

[no this is the opposite of what should be happening to them]

While I'm always an advocate for broadening one's horizons and considering new possibilities that may typically be frowned upon by the general populace, on this matter I'm afraid that I must remain adamantly opposed.

Especially with him.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[Shhhh only feelings now.]

Hmm
So Your Refusal To Consider Him For Either A Matesprit Or Kismesis Is Based On His Personality And Not On The Fact That You Happen To Share The Same Genes

[thorny]

[nooooo she's allergic ;A;]

Our genetic similarity critically injures his already floundering case. It's rather akin to detonating fifty pounds of explosives on a rapidly sinking ship.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[Don't be silly, Rose! We'll just have to make your allergies go away by exposing you to more and more feels. It will totally work.]

I Must Admit I Am Disappointed
I Sincerely Believe That You Two Would Be A Good Match Given How Similar You Are

[thorny]

[that will just make her die. this is the opposite of what you want.]

Considering my personality you ought to know that multiplying it creates more strife than harmony. A relationship consisting of myself and another like-minded individual would be rife with conflict and cynical jabs.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[I don't believe you because DAVID'S LOVE WILL SAVE HER, I JUST KNOW IT]

Yes But Would You Want It Any Other Way
You Are Fond Of Challenges Are You Not

[thorny]

[YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE LIKES HER LIKE THAT GOD]

This isn't the sort of challenge that I hold any emotional regard for. I'm fonder of a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle than I am of him, particularly in this context.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[MY QUADRANT SENSES ARE TINGLING, OKAY

And speaking of quadrants...]

I See
So Do You Feel Anything Other Than Disdain For Him
Hate Perhaps

[thorny]

[YOU WERE NOT BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE CUPID, YOU HAVE NO QUADRANT SENSES]

Hate's a rather strong word, don't you think? Implying anything more than a passing annoyance would be giving him far too much credit than he's worth.

[sylphoftealdeer]

[SHOOSH IT'S A RAINBOW DRINKER THING. BECAUSE I SAID SO.]

I Dont Know If Hate Is A Strong Word For It Or Not
I Am Merely Trying To Understand What Is Happening Or Has Happened Between The Two Of You

[thorny]

[I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT UNLESS SHE CAN ALSO SHOOT WEBBING FROM HER HANDS AND CRAWL ALL OVER WALLS]

Nothing has happened in the context you're speaking of. Nothing has happened, nothing will happen, and nothing will change to make something happening a viable possibility.

The most intimate way you could describe our relationship is as vitriolic siblings - nothing more, nothing less. Very little to analyze, I'm afraid.

[this is all a bold-faced lie, but you know what? Kanaya hasn't been here for any of the squabbles that devolved into kissing, so she's going to go for it. FUCK HONESTY]

[sylphoftealdeer]

[WHAT THE HELL, CUPIDS DON'T DO THAT NO MATTER HOW RADIOACTIVE THEY ARE!]

How Do You Know Which Context I Am Speaking Of
Trolls See Things Quite Differently From Humans So I Am Merely Trying To Analyze Your Situation Through A Perspective Different From Yours

Vitriol Can Be Good
As Long As It Keeps The Animosity Going Strong Throughout Time
Perhaps A Kismesissitude Would Fit You Both

[yes well that icon tells me otherwise

too bad Kanaya can't see it. BOOO.]