one ❖ the investigation | action

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[ Today, boys and girls - ladies and gentlemen, there's a new student on campus. Of course, she's still wearing her usual North High uniform (and not the regular uniform) and is walking around like a wrestler trying to find someone to fight.

Of course, she's walking around aimlessly, not even bothering to get used to her surroundings. But if she notices someone, she'll immediately make a beeline towards you with a very enthusiastic look on her face, asking (well, unless you're Mikuru, which instead she'll attempt to sneak from behind to grope you as a way of greeting!): ]

What are you, a slider? Esper? Alien? Maybe even a time traveler?! [ Yes, Haruhi is way too excited about this.

Especially since anything supernatural-related piques her interest. ]

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[ And Haruhi Suzumiya, being the sneaky teenage she is, will come up behind and try to grope Mikuru's boobs! ]

Yooo, Mikuru-chan!

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[Mikuru's been here a long time, long enough to take the mandatory self defense class and the elective boxing class. So the second she feels someone's hands on her unexpectedly, she whirls around, two tiny fists up.] W-who are you?! [And why do you know my name, and why are you trying to grope me?!]

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[ Haruhi steps back in surprise, wobbling slightly as she speaks in a slightly frightened voice. ]

You... you don't know who I am?

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[Aw man, she managed to scare someone? Mikuru lowers her fists guiltily, though she still looks wary as she shakes her head.]

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[ Haruhi thinks about it for a bit, considering both the situation and her circumstances in mind before a lightbulb goes up in her head. ]

Maybe you're the Mikuru-chan from a parallel world! Hey, hey, what's your world like?

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Um... [Mikuru's never sure how to answer this question, especially as she's spent significant time on two different timeplanes of her own world.] More technologically advanced than this one [not hard, considering this place is early 2000s and even Itsuki's timeplane is, what, 2010?]... The culture's different...

[It honestly doesn't occur to her to say AND EVIL ALIEN WITCHES ARE TRYING TO TAKE IT OVER BY STEALING ESPER POWERS.]

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How different? Like time travelers and espers and aliens different? Or like big robots different? [ Yes, there's a huge difference between supernaturally different and technological difference. ] You don't have big robots back home, do you?

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No, we don't, but there are a few time travelers [LIKE HERSELF], espers, and aliens, and most people don't know about them. [Tsuruya laughed at her when she told.]

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Really? That's no fair! I haven't found a single one yet! [ She places her hands on her hips, shaking her head in defeat. ] It's like that dumb joke that Kyon said a while ago - like how you're a time traveler, Koizumi-kun's an esper and Yuki's an alien.

[ There's a pause after that. ] But that can't possibly be true, right? After all, I only used those things for that one movie! Speaking of... maybe I should make a sequel.

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[Her jaw drops. This random stranger who knows her name also knows her powers and possibly those of the people she knows??]

... Koizumi Itsuki and Nagato Yuki?

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That's right. [ Haruhi nods. ] But it's just a joke that Kyon made a few months ago.

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[Who is this Kyon person.] No, it's true! Itsuki-kun is an esper, and I traveled back in time to protect him from Yuki, who's an evil alien witch!

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[ He's that guy who knows everything. Also a person you don't need to know.

Wait a minute, this sounds familiar. Haruhi tilts her head to the right, slightly curious. ]

You don't say... hey! You're not really a battle waitress, are you?

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[It's Mikuru's turn to step back, though she also stops to bend down and pick up the notebook and pen she dropped when she went on the defense.]

Yes, I am...

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[ The gears in Haruhi's head are whirling, and they're saying something that is very bad for Mikuru, and that is the following: "Mikuru-chan's from a parallel world where the ideas from my movie are real!" ]

Does that mean you can use the Mikuru Beam?! Oh, how about the Mikuru Typhoon? [ Haruhi's eyes are practically beaming, she's too excited about this right now to think about anything else. ]

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I do have the Mikuru Beam, but no Typhoons...

How do you know?!

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I wrote a movie where Mikuru-chan is a time travelling battle waitress and that her last resort is the Mikuru Beam! [ When she says "Mikuru Beam", she makes the actual pose for it. ]

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I'm not a movie! [Though damn, that is really accurate for someone whom she hasn't used the Mikuru Beam in front of.]

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Maybe in your world you're not, but in mine it is! [A beat.] It's too bad I don't have the DVD, though.

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[Mikuru purses her lips, not really wanting to see the movie anyway, and folds her arms across her chest to protect herself from further groping attempts.]

... W-what's your name? [So she can keep track of this random stranger who thinks she's written a movie about her...]

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[ Haruhi grins, her hands on her hips confidently. ]

Suzumiya Haruhi, SOS Brigade chief and the ultra director The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru: Episode 00!

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[That is the worst movie name!] SOS Brigade...?

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[ -- there was supposed to be a "of the" after the word "director" but that's just the mun failing.

And Haruhi nods before continuing. ]

That's right, the SOS Brigade! It's only the best brigade in all of Japan - no, the world - actually, maybe in the whole entire universe! Or would that be universes? It doesn't matter. It stands for...

[ She takes a deep breath before saying all of this in one breath: ]

Spreading Excitement all Over the World with Suzumiya Haruhi Brigade!

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What do you...do?

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Isn’t that obvious? [ Haruhi shakes her head, but whatever. She’ll explain it. ] We find time travelers, espers, sliders, aliens and play with them!