one ❖ the investigation | action

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[ Today, boys and girls - ladies and gentlemen, there's a new student on campus. Of course, she's still wearing her usual North High uniform (and not the regular uniform) and is walking around like a wrestler trying to find someone to fight.

Of course, she's walking around aimlessly, not even bothering to get used to her surroundings. But if she notices someone, she'll immediately make a beeline towards you with a very enthusiastic look on her face, asking (well, unless you're Mikuru, which instead she'll attempt to sneak from behind to grope you as a way of greeting!): ]

What are you, a slider? Esper? Alien? Maybe even a time traveler?! [ Yes, Haruhi is way too excited about this.

Especially since anything supernatural-related piques her interest. ]

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[ Haruhi steps back in surprise, wobbling slightly as she speaks in a slightly frightened voice. ]

You... you don't know who I am?

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[Aw man, she managed to scare someone? Mikuru lowers her fists guiltily, though she still looks wary as she shakes her head.]

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[ Haruhi thinks about it for a bit, considering both the situation and her circumstances in mind before a lightbulb goes up in her head. ]

Maybe you're the Mikuru-chan from a parallel world! Hey, hey, what's your world like?

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Um... [Mikuru's never sure how to answer this question, especially as she's spent significant time on two different timeplanes of her own world.] More technologically advanced than this one [not hard, considering this place is early 2000s and even Itsuki's timeplane is, what, 2010?]... The culture's different...

[It honestly doesn't occur to her to say AND EVIL ALIEN WITCHES ARE TRYING TO TAKE IT OVER BY STEALING ESPER POWERS.]

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How different? Like time travelers and espers and aliens different? Or like big robots different? [ Yes, there's a huge difference between supernaturally different and technological difference. ] You don't have big robots back home, do you?

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No, we don't, but there are a few time travelers [LIKE HERSELF], espers, and aliens, and most people don't know about them. [Tsuruya laughed at her when she told.]

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Really? That's no fair! I haven't found a single one yet! [ She places her hands on her hips, shaking her head in defeat. ] It's like that dumb joke that Kyon said a while ago - like how you're a time traveler, Koizumi-kun's an esper and Yuki's an alien.

[ There's a pause after that. ] But that can't possibly be true, right? After all, I only used those things for that one movie! Speaking of... maybe I should make a sequel.

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[Her jaw drops. This random stranger who knows her name also knows her powers and possibly those of the people she knows??]

... Koizumi Itsuki and Nagato Yuki?

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That's right. [ Haruhi nods. ] But it's just a joke that Kyon made a few months ago.

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[Who is this Kyon person.] No, it's true! Itsuki-kun is an esper, and I traveled back in time to protect him from Yuki, who's an evil alien witch!

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[ He's that guy who knows everything. Also a person you don't need to know.

Wait a minute, this sounds familiar. Haruhi tilts her head to the right, slightly curious. ]

You don't say... hey! You're not really a battle waitress, are you?

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[It's Mikuru's turn to step back, though she also stops to bend down and pick up the notebook and pen she dropped when she went on the defense.]

Yes, I am...

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[ The gears in Haruhi's head are whirling, and they're saying something that is very bad for Mikuru, and that is the following: "Mikuru-chan's from a parallel world where the ideas from my movie are real!" ]

Does that mean you can use the Mikuru Beam?! Oh, how about the Mikuru Typhoon? [ Haruhi's eyes are practically beaming, she's too excited about this right now to think about anything else. ]

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I do have the Mikuru Beam, but no Typhoons...

How do you know?!

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I wrote a movie where Mikuru-chan is a time travelling battle waitress and that her last resort is the Mikuru Beam! [ When she says "Mikuru Beam", she makes the actual pose for it. ]

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I'm not a movie! [Though damn, that is really accurate for someone whom she hasn't used the Mikuru Beam in front of.]

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Maybe in your world you're not, but in mine it is! [A beat.] It's too bad I don't have the DVD, though.

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[Mikuru purses her lips, not really wanting to see the movie anyway, and folds her arms across her chest to protect herself from further groping attempts.]

... W-what's your name? [So she can keep track of this random stranger who thinks she's written a movie about her...]

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[ Haruhi grins, her hands on her hips confidently. ]

Suzumiya Haruhi, SOS Brigade chief and the ultra director The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru: Episode 00!

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[That is the worst movie name!] SOS Brigade...?

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[ -- there was supposed to be a "of the" after the word "director" but that's just the mun failing.

And Haruhi nods before continuing. ]

That's right, the SOS Brigade! It's only the best brigade in all of Japan - no, the world - actually, maybe in the whole entire universe! Or would that be universes? It doesn't matter. It stands for...

[ She takes a deep breath before saying all of this in one breath: ]

Spreading Excitement all Over the World with Suzumiya Haruhi Brigade!

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What do you...do?

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Isn’t that obvious? [ Haruhi shakes her head, but whatever. She’ll explain it. ] We find time travelers, espers, sliders, aliens and play with them!

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[THAT'S NOT OBVIOUS AT ALL.]

You shouldn't play with aliens; they're evil!

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Oh, yeah... Yuki was the bad alien, huh. [ A beat. ] But not all aliens are evil, though! I'm sure of it!